Free running questions
Wiem
Pytanie: I keep editing... darn perfectionist in me. Short story comments?
( Wstecz )
Answer #1:
loved it but keep it short it took for ever to readAnswer #2:
The more I read the piece, the more I like it. This time, I didn’t find much to critique. I think the way you made them seem more “playful” (i.e. Ashley sticking out her tongue, fishing for food, etc.) made it easier to believe that these kids are fourteen. Haha, trust me, fourteen-year-old girls LOVE to stick out their tongues… not sure why, though. I mean, look at any photo of a fourteen-year-old girl and I guarantee that she’s sticking out her tongue, putting up the piece sign or both. Haha, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I stick to the regular smiles.Anyway, enough about fourteen-year-old kids. Overall, the piece has come a long way since the start and it’s something to be proud of. You should show it to your family because I think they’d like to see your work beyond poetry. :)
Still, since I’m obsessed with punctuation and grammar, I made a few minor changes. Really, they’re minor this time:
“Hey, whatcha doin’?” sporting a silly grin from ear to ear, his hands coming down to his sides and fumbling for shelter in his shorts pockets. He always had a bit of nervous excitement when he would first see her. (Added a space between the quote and ‘sporting.’)
“They’ll be here soon,” he said to Ashley’s mom, almost on the verge of tears, looking down at Ashley’s now still body. The convulsions stopped once she lost consciousness. (Added a comma before the quotation mark)
Charlie reached into his other pocket instinctively, as his mind became numb with sadness, and found the photo. He pulled the photo out and looked down at his grandfather’s peaceful, angelic smile. The photo pictured his grandfather and himself when he was maybe ten-years-old, pausing for a break on their hike along a wooded path of the Appalachian Trail. This was his most cherished and favorite picture of them together. It was the doorway. On the other side, Charlie - and Ashley - would be protected. He knew what he had to do and he had to do it quickly. (Changed the comma after Ashley to one of these things: - )
“Where is she? Is she here?” Charlie asked, starting to look around. (Added a comma to separate the verbs)
She’s fine. She’s right here, Charlie; you did good,” his grandfather said consolingly, pointing to his side at Ashley, as she began to stir. (Played with some punctuation here. In “proper” English, it should be “She’s right here, Charlie; you did well,” but I think ‘good’ makes it seem more realistic and less formal)
“She’ll be ok as long as she’s here… until she gets some help,” Grandpa explained. (Added a comma before the quotation mark)
“What happened? What’s going on?” Ashley said in a fog and began to sit up. (Not sure how I like “said” because I usually associate that with a statement, but this is a question. Maybe “Ashley asked in a fog…”? Eh, I don’t know, it’s minor. I also took out the comma because it wasn’t necessary)
Again, this truly is an amazing piece and you should really take pride in the fact that you wrote it. Just like any other writer, I know it’s hard sometimes to get something on the page, but when you’re finished, you have something that makes it worth it. :)
I’ll be more than happy to start the next piece, but I’m thinking about something a little darker than this one. How about something along the lines of being isolated and paranoid? Hm, I don’t know, it’s just an idea that randomly came to me, so we’ll see what I actually come up with.
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