Free running questions
Wiem
Pytanie: A short story called Soul Protector. Comments? Critique?
( Wstecz )
Answer #1:
i'ts a good story :)Answer #2:
It was a cute story!It is kind of hard to understand, though...
1) You said that Charlie (14) has a crush on Ashley; Ashley seems a bit young, though. She is 'fishing' in the 'pond' (grass) and there are 'sharks'...it seems like Ashley is a child, not a teenager.
2) Some how Charlie and Ashley go on to a trail and see Charlie's dead grandfather, how does that happen? Does Charlie have some kind of special power?
You should spell check your story, though. For example, in this sentence, 'Charlie reached in his pocket instinctively as his mind because numb with sadness and found the picture', you wrote 'because' I think you meant 'became'.
Overall, it was a great story.
Answer #3:
Life is all about abstraction, refraction, reflection, rejection.We press into analogy, basic Psychology
in some attempt to understand us
when so many of us are on the same bus.
I enjoyed that you presented it. I'll have to digest it to better get it, but I'd not berate you to share it.
Answer #4:
You have one tiny sentence "It was the doorway" to clue us in on the alternate plane they go to with his grandfather. I think maybe more explanation is needed.Your characters are likeable and the overall tone of the story "feels" good.
I want to know what happens next!
Answer #5:
Okay, wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.This is really good and I love it, but there’s just one thing I think you should fix. It’s the age of the kids because it’s like killing me. Charlie seems to be acting like he’s ten (I have a brother that’s eleven and he doesn’t act anything like Charlie, so he would have to be younger to be “skipping” and to be playing this pretend game), but he has a cell phone… that just doesn’t sit right with me. I think I was twelve when I got my cell phone (still have that same dinosaur… haha), and although kids are getting them younger and younger these days, Charlie just seems too “innocent” to have one. I don’t know, I just don’t like that much. I would do some playing around with the ages because you also have to think, if you make him ten, he probably won’t have an interest in girls. If you make him fourteen, you have to redo a lot because he comes off too innocent to the reader. It’s a tossup here because I don’t want another “teenage love story,” but it might be easier to do it that way. Personally, I think I would make them older. It’s really up to you, though.
Other than that and the minor revisions I made in the piece, I thought it was an amazing story. I liked how the readers had to draw their own conclusions at the end. I liked how Charlie finally gets a finished story (haha, I started writing a second story for him, but I just couldn’t make it perfect so it’s just another unfinished piece for my literature folder.). I liked how there was the conflict with Ashley and Charlie in the tree house. I liked how the story had that innocent vibe. I liked how grandpa was brought back into the story. I liked the title (A LOT). I just liked the story. Actually, I loved the story. It’s not a secret that you’re a good writer, you know. You just have a way with words and I liked the variety of verbs and descriptors used in the piece. It just really set the stage for me.
I feel like I usually have more to say, but with this piece, I just don’t have much to critique you on. I put in a few commas here and there, but I really didn’t do that much editing. I changed how some things were phrased and I think I added a bit to some passages.
Overall, awesome piece, but I wish I would have contributed more. Like I said, I started writing my own thing going off of what you described in one of my previous questions, but I think this is MUCH better than what I had. I like this. Keep writing these short stories, please.
I’m going to post my edits in another question because I don't have enough room here.
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